Recent Interview With Ozzy Osbourne: Piss, Boobs And Outdoor Festivals
What's the best way to get girls to flash their boobs at shows?
Ozzy: You get your dick out! Just get your fucking dick out.
Ever been hit by a bottle of piss?
Ozzy: Fuck, I almost drank some once! I picked up a half-empty fucking bottle up from the stage and I started to drink it and everyone in the band just stopped the show and went, 'Nooo...!'
Have you ever been too slaughtered to play on time?
Ozzy: Well, with me there was this one time I was so hungover from the night before and I'd taken some deadly stuff, some deadly fucking potion and I was like 25 minutes late...
Who'll blow who offstage at Download?
Ozzy: Everyon'es had good gigs... everyone's had bad gigs. I'm not trying to blow anyone off the fucking stage. This isn't no contest for me. Just give them kids the best fucking show they can fucking get...
I'm an old-timer and back in the day people didn't worry about that. There were all kind of fucking stunts, like pulling the plugs out or fucking their guitars up or their booze or amps. But I can honestly say that I've never done that because the bottom line is that those kids out there work at fucking gas stations, pizza delivery, whatever fucking job they need to buy tickets for the show. And if I find out the fucker who's responsible, they're getting their butts kicked big time.
Do you enjoy playing outdoors?
Ozzy: I don't mind it. Ever since The Osbournes took off with the filming and all that shit it took a lot of time up, but I'm really looking forward to getting out to some big arenas. I've played in fucking pubs, outdoors, indoors, as long as it's fun, but that fucking barrier's got to go at Doningtion...
You're onstage in two minutes and you're desperate for a piss. Do you:
A) Hold it in and risk wetting yourself
B) Visit the rancid festival Portaloos.
C) Charter a jet the hell out of there.
Ozzy: You fucking piss where you want. The worst one is if you've got the shits, man. I'm so glad when they invented those pills to take care of that. One time I was touring Mexico and nearly everyone came down with the shits. It was fucking lethal. The crew were on drips... it was a fucking mess. I mean, I looked like a fucking skeleton I'd lost so much weight doing that fucker.
What do you do if a roadie steals the booze off your rider?
Ozzy: Well, that just wouldn't fucking happen. It's a bad move to go into Ozzy Osbourne's fucking dressing room and fucking piss in the chicken salad. But they've always driven me fucking mad, those roadies with those fucking per diems. It's like you feed and house them and then you're paying them money on top of that.
What's the best and worst reception you've ever received at a festival?
Ozzy: Well, that's a stupid fucking question. The thing is sometimes I've been out there and it's like, 'Ah, this is fucking great' and you get offstage and people are asking if you're okay and you're like 'What?' And then I'll think, 'This is fucking shit' and people go crazy. There's no telling how you're going to go down.
If there's one person in the fucking audience that's not getting into it, I will do the whole fucking show for that fucking wanker, because I'm determined that everyone has a good time. But sometimes it doesn't work and there was a time when I'd go tell Tony (Iommi, Sabbath guitarist) 'Tony, get these fuckers out of here, because if they don't like this, they're dead!'. It pissed me off, man! It's like you want to stop the show and just go, 'Obviously you're not here to have a good time, so just fuck off'. But I'm not fucking bitter.
What's the one piece of advice you have for everyone coming to Download?
Ozzy: Dead men don't have fun... dead men don't have fun. Look at me. Not long ago I was accelerating at fucking three miles an hour on a fucking quad-bike, the fucking bike span out from under me, it shot me up in the air, I nearly broke my neck, smashed my ribs, my collarbone, my legs... I was fucking dead and I was under for eight days. I'm still recovering from that fucking accident. I mean, the shows went well last year, I just hope I can fucking.... ah, I'm sure it'll be alright.
Looking forward to your headline show?
"Well, Donington is something that holds a lot of great memories for me from those Monsters Of Rock days. The only thing I really remember is this fucking ridiculous barrier at the front of the stage. Your audience is in fucking Coventry. But if the weather's great, there's nothing like Donington.
What was it like last time you played?
"It was fucking raining, it was fucking miserable, the barrier was fuck... I understand there were people who died one year, but it's gone from the fucking sublime to the ridiculous. Let me see the audience! I'm just playing to fucking blackness otherwise. I mean... I couldn't see the audience last time!"
Do you remember anything else about it?
"It's like a lot of festivals. It's hard to get into it and the crowd can't see you getting into it because you're so far away, so I kind of got pissed up a bit and then I just fucking went for it and it turned out okay. The weather made it fucking miserable, mind. I mean, just pray for a good fucking day, people. If you've got a good sunny day, there's no place like Donington. But this thing, what do you call it..."
"Yeah. I don't know anything about Download or the three-day festival with Ozzfest in the middle, but all I know is I don't play different on the Ozzfest than I do on a non-Ozzfest gig. I'm just Ozzy and I do what I do, and pray that I pull it off, really."
Who do you pray too?
"Whatever! I don't drink, I don't smoke, I don't any more. I haven't become a fucking evangelist. I mean, I'm still fucking crazy, I don't worship the devil. I don't thump a bible. I'm just a guy, you know?"